From the Beginning...

Hey everyone,

Where did it all start?

Here, I will share my own experiences as I journey through this thing called life. I have been through a lot in my time on this beautiful planet, and I have decided to share my story, and eventually those of others, with consent, of course.

My journey began in the late 1990s, a time when I was born into a neglectful environment. This neglect led to delays in many of my developmental milestones. At just eight months old, I was unable to sit up, roll over, or even hold my own bottle. My survival during this time was thanks to my sister, who, despite being only seven years old, did her best to take care of me. Neglect at any age is traumatic, but during infancy, it embeds itself into your being, affecting you in ways that may not be immediately apparent but will surface later in life.

As I grew older, I faced more challenges. My biological mother chose an unhealthy relationship over caring for her children. This decision led to abandonment issues and a deep-seated feeling of never being enough. These feelings were compounded by the fact that I don't remember much from that time, only what I have been told. The trauma of abandonment and neglect during my early years has left a lasting impact on my life.

Through this journey, you may find yourself saying, “I thought this blog was supposed to be for trauma survivors,” but you can’t truly find your peace if you refuse to acknowledge the positives and the negatives in your life. The point I hope to show is that everyone’s trauma is their own and is not smaller than another person’s. As people, we will all go through something our brains deem as traumatic, so this page is for you.

Can infancy be traumatic?

Starting from the beginning is necessary as we embark on this journey together. My journey starts where everyone’s does – as an infant. I was born in the late 1990s and was set up for failure from the beginning. I was born into a neglectful environment, and it was because of this neglect that I wound up delayed on a lot of developmental milestones. At eight months old, I was unable to sit up, roll over, or even hold my own bottle. I was only alive thanks to my sister, who made sure I was as taken care of as a seven-year-old could manage. Neglect at any age is traumatic, but during infancy, it embeds itself into your being. We will learn that other situations in the future will trigger it.

Infancy is a critical period of development, and the experiences during this time can have a profound impact on an individual's life. Traumatic experiences in infancy, such as neglect, abuse, or abandonment, can lead to long-lasting effects on emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. The brain is highly malleable during infancy, and negative experiences can disrupt the normal development of neural pathways, leading to difficulties in emotional regulation, attachment, and cognitive functioning.

Neglect, in particular, can be incredibly damaging. When an infant's basic needs for food, comfort, and stimulation are not met, it can lead to a condition known as "failure to thrive," where the child does not gain weight or grow as expected. This can have long-term consequences on physical health and development. Additionally, the lack of a consistent and nurturing caregiver can result in attachment disorders, where the child struggles to form healthy relationships and may exhibit behaviors such as withdrawal, aggression, or difficulty trusting others.

Abandonment during infancy can also leave deep emotional scars. The sense of being unwanted or unloved can lead to feelings of worthlessness and insecurity that persist into adulthood. These early experiences can shape an individual's self-esteem, relationships, and overall outlook on life. It is essential to recognize that trauma in infancy is not just about the immediate physical or emotional harm but also about the long-term impact on a person's development and well-being.

Understanding the potential for trauma in infancy highlights the importance of early intervention and support for at-risk families. Providing a stable and nurturing environment for infants can help mitigate the effects of early trauma and promote healthy development. It is crucial to acknowledge and address the impact of early experiences to support individuals in their healing journey and help them build resilience.

What happens when you aren’t enough?

My biological mother chose an unhealthy person to be in a relationship with instead of caring for her children the way they needed and deserved to be. I do not know the full extent of the situation, but I know that she was given a choice: stay and lose your children or leave and keep them. This felt like I wasn’t important enough; hell, like we weren’t important enough to her. I don’t remember anything from that time in my life, only what I have been told. But abandonment issues and never feeling like enough get embedded in your soul at that age. I hate that I started my life with such a hard beginning; being an infant and a child is supposed to be easier than it has been.

When you grow up feeling like you aren't enough, it can have a profound impact on your self-esteem and self-worth. The constant feeling of inadequacy can lead to a range of emotional and psychological issues, such as anxiety, depression, and a pervasive sense of unworthiness. These feelings can affect your relationships, as you may struggle to trust others or believe that you are deserving of love and care. The fear of abandonment can become a recurring theme in your life, leading to a pattern of seeking validation from others and constantly questioning your value.

The impact of feeling like you aren't enough can also manifest in your behavior. You may become a people-pleaser, always trying to meet the expectations of others in an attempt to gain their approval. This can lead to burnout and resentment, as you continuously put others' needs before your own. Alternatively, you may become withdrawn and avoidant, isolating yourself to protect against the pain of rejection and disappointment. This can result in missed opportunities for connection and growth, as you shy away from situations that could bring you joy and fulfillment.

It's important to recognize that these feelings of inadequacy are not a reflection of your true worth. They are the result of the neglect and abandonment you experienced during your formative years. Healing from this trauma involves acknowledging the pain and working through it with the support of therapy, self-reflection, and self-compassion. By understanding the root of these feelings, you can begin to challenge the negative beliefs about yourself and build a healthier, more positive self-image.

Remember, you are enough just as you are. Your worth is not determined by the actions or choices of others. You deserve love, care, and respect, and it is possible to heal from the wounds of the past and create a brighter, more fulfilling future.

Is foster care the answer?

People who are taken from their birth parents for one reason or another are often placed into the foster care system. Many who end up in foster care end up facing a new set of challenges that can be just as daunting as those they faced at home. While foster care is intended to provide a safe and nurturing environment for children, the reality is that the system is far from perfect.

One of the most common issues faced by children in foster care is the lack of stability. Many children are moved from one foster home to another, sometimes multiple times a year. This constant upheaval can make it difficult for children to form lasting relationships and can lead to feelings of insecurity and instability. The lack of a consistent caregiver can also result in attachment disorders, where children struggle to form healthy relationships and may exhibit behaviors such as withdrawal, aggression, or difficulty trusting others.

Being a ward of the state can also come with a sense of stigma and isolation. Children in foster care may feel different from their peers and may struggle with feelings of shame and embarrassment about their situation. This can lead to difficulties in school and social settings, as children may withdraw or act out in response to their feelings of isolation.

The emotional and psychological struggles faced by children in foster care can be profound. Many children enter the system with a history of trauma, and the challenges they face within the system can compound these issues. Children in foster care are at a higher risk for mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The lack of stability and support can make it difficult for children to process their trauma and can lead to long-term emotional and psychological struggles.

It's important to recognize that while foster care is intended to provide a safe and nurturing environment for children, the system is not always able to meet the needs of every child. There is a need for greater support and resources for children in foster care, as well as for the families who take them in. Providing a stable and nurturing environment for children in foster care can help mitigate the effects of early trauma and promote healthy development.

Ultimately, the goal of foster care should be to provide a safe and supportive environment for children while working towards a permanent solution, whether that be reunification with their birth family or adoption. It is crucial to acknowledge and address the challenges faced by children in foster care to support them in their healing journey and help them build resilience.

Finding Gratitude in the Journey

Though my experiences during infancy were trauma-inducing, I am beyond thankful because they ultimately led me to the family I have today. The journey was far from easy, and the challenges I faced were numerous. However, each obstacle and hardship brought me one step closer to the loving, supportive family I am now proud to call my own.

Being placed in foster care meant enduring instability, feelings of isolation, and the emotional and psychological struggles that come with being a ward of the state. I faced the uncertainty of moving from one home to another, the difficulty of forming lasting relationships, and the constant battle with feelings of inadequacy and abandonment. These experiences were undeniably tough, but they also shaped me into the resilient person I am today.

Despite the hardships, I found solace in the fact that there were people who genuinely cared about my well-being. The foster families who took me in, the social workers who advocated for me, and the friends I made along the way all played a crucial role in my journey. Their support and kindness helped me navigate the complexities of the foster care system and provided me with glimpses of hope and stability.

Ultimately, I was incredibly lucky with my experience in foster care, as I was placed with the family that ended up adopting me. They welcomed me with open arms, provided me with the love and care I had longed for, and helped me heal from the wounds of my past. The trauma of being separated from my sister and the neglect I experienced in my infancy left deep scars, but my adoptive family helped me rebuild my self-esteem, trust in others, and find a sense of belonging that I had never experienced before.

My journey through foster care taught me the importance of resilience, gratitude, and the power of love and support. While the experience was filled with trauma and challenges, it also brought me to a place of healing and happiness. I am thankful for the family I have today and for the strength I gained along the way. My story is a testament to the fact that even in the face of adversity, it is possible to find hope, healing, and a brighter future.

Remember, you are no longer alone.

Warmest regards,

Marissa Hilton